Down in the Dumps

Just to be completely honest, today sucked. Not the whole day, specifically just from 7:30 pm to 8:00 pm. I rushed home today from work before Cole Reynolds went to bed to help Joel replace an NG tube that had come out while CR napped this afternoon. I cannot tell you how awful it is to think about holding down my sweet angel baby so that we can stuff a tube down his nose into his stomach. I literally wanted to vomit in the car on my way home because I dreaded it so much. I keep reminding myself that there is much, much worse things that he and we could be subjected to, but at the precise moment when the holding and stuffing are happening, it is hard to think of those worse things. Cole Reynolds was so defeated after we put in the new tube. He sat in my lap like a lifeless rag doll while I tried to read him good night stories. He gazed in the distance instead of looking at the at the pages. His arms hung at his sides as if they were socks stuffed with rice. And he refused to look at Joel and me in the eyes. He refused to cuddle and finally pointed at his bed with what looked like all of the energy he could muster. It was the saddest thing I've seen in my whole life. I'm not sure if my heart ached worse when I was holding him down or when I could see how awful it made him feel. The only silver lining is that he will get 360 quality calories tonight while he sleeps and many more tomorrow. Please pray that he doesn't lose any more NG tubes and that he learns to LOVE his formula.