Naughty List

I'm pretty sure my heart broke into a million pieces.  I got home late tonight, but luckily, Cole Reynolds was just going to sleep.  I went in to his room to give him a kiss and a hug.  I crawled in bed with him like I do most nights.  He told me about his calendar and things he'd done today.  He also told me that he ate some ham for dinner to show Elena he could.  Earlier today I had received an email from Elizabeth, his speech therapist, telling me he did well with his chicken nuggets and ham.  She said that he wanted to try the chicken nuggets with his daddy.  Neither Joel nor I are home for dinner, so I guess he decided he wanted to show Elena he could eat his ham.  Then he said what broke my heart.  He said "So now I'm switching from the naughty list to the good list."  I asked him what he said because I wasn't sure I understood.  He repeated, "Now, I've switched from the naughty list to the good list.  Mommy, how do you get on the naughty list."  My poor angel thinks he is on Santa's naughty list just because he doesn't eat.  As frustrated as we get with his eating struggles, never once have I thought it was his "fault".  I, more than most, understand how much he truly dislikes eating.  I remember being a little girl sitting for hours in front of my plate of pancakes or tacos and rice.  I remember the nauseating thought of putting a single spoonful into my mouth and the involuntary reflex of gagging when I swallowed.  I wish with all of my heart that Cole didn't feel that way--that he would enjoy food the way I do now--savoring every bite and being sad when it's gone.  As much as I wish he had an easier path to travel, it makes me sick to my stomach now that he thinks he is naughty. Sadly, this was all prompted by us telling him on Sunday that we were so proud of the way he was eating his chips and guacamole.  I told him that if he kept up his good eating all week, we might get him a special surprise.  His little eyes lit up at the thought of a special surprise and he asked what it would be.  I asked him what he'd been saying he wanted to Santa to bring him.  You see, when he wants something that we won't buy him, he adds it to his list of things to ask Santa for.  Saturday, Joel had taken Cole to Barnes & Nobel to get a gift.  They had a Thomas train set with straight pieces and a splitter.  He desperately wants more straight pieces and a splitter to make his town even better.  I hadn't meant that Santa was going to bring it, but he interpreted it that way.  Then he went even further by putting himself on the naughty list.  I reminds me that you have to be so careful with your words with kids.  You never know what they might interpret from what you say.  Sweet boy is my hero.  He gets up everyday and is forced to do something he dislikes so much four times a day.  He complains some, but the majority of the time, he just swallows what life brings him and takes every bite that he wished he didn't have to.